Nov
7
Frustration can sometimes look like anger, but this emotion is just a little bit different. The underlying foundation of frustration is loss. As a child develops, they begin to realize that life is made up of choices, and when a choice is made, the option that was once available to him or her is gone. This situation breeds frustration.
For example, a child may become very frustrated when they are asked by his or her parents to choose between having a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or macaroni and cheese for lunch, (he or she often can’t have both… what parent really wants to prepare two different meals?) This loss can also be felt when a child is unable to accomplish something that he or she wishes to achieve. When a child is unable to ride a bike on his or her first attempt, there is a loss of a hoped-for skill, and the loss of a feeling of omnipotence—the belief that “I can do anything” is met with the reality that this is just not always the case.
The period of the “terrible twos” is often characterized by the emergence of temper tantrums. These are the result of a child realizing that they cannot have everything that he or she wants and cannot do anything he or she wants. This is a harsh and painful reality that all children must face. We as adults still struggle with this…”why can’t I have a brand new car…it’s just not fair.” It is important for parents to be understanding and empathic to a child’s “wake up call” to the reality of the limits that the world sets upon us. After all, parents once had to face this realization as well.
When a child acts out through temper tantrums or other means of expressing frustration, it is an understandably frustrating experience for a parent…and maybe a bit embarrassing if this happens on a long airplane ride. However, if a child is to grow through this difficult stage of development in a healthy manner, parents need to meet the child where they are; they need to communicate their empathic understanding of a child’s frustration. A loving hug can do wonders for a child who feels the overwhelming frustration of a limiting world. This embrace models, in a soothing and empathic way, that frustration needs to be controlled and held. An empathic parent sets limits upon their child. If a child’s frustration is not held, (and he or she is given both the peanut butter and jelly sandwich AND macaroni and cheese), then the parent is feeding into the child’s denial of the reality of the world.
Love and limits help a child to feel understood and supported as they wrestle with the loss of the belief that they, the world, and its inhabitants are perfect and limitless. As a child develops, they also begin to realize the scary truth that he or she is separate from their parents. Children realize that their parents aren’t always able to protect them from a frustrating world. Often, the frustration a child feels towards the world is directed toward their parents. Parents can become villains–withholding and frustrating people that won’t give the child everything that he or she wants or needs. This is another painful truth. No parent, even the most highly attuned or attentive one, can be everything at anytime for his or her child…yes, it’s true that no person or parent is perfect.
A child often projects his or her frustration at the world on his or her disappointing imperfect parents…something that can be uncomfortable for a parent to experience. By realizing that this frustration is normal, (and that you once went through it as well), may make it easier to empathically soothe a frustrated child and help the child to develop into an emotionally healthy adult.
PROBLEM: Children experience frustration when they realize that they cannot have or do everything they want.
SOLUTION: Parents need to realize that the experience of frustration is normal, as we have all gone through it. Limits and love are ways to help children understand and cope with their own frustration. You may become the “bad guy” for awhile, as your child projects his frustration and loss upon you—resist personalizing it and reacting to it in an aggressive and defensive manner.
THE DOs AND DON’Ts OF HANDLING TANTRUMS
•DO keep your cool. Kids are very good at sensing your feelings. The more frustrated you feel, the more frustrated your child will become. Take control of the situation, and your child will feel more safe and secure.
•DO be empathic. Try and have some understanding of the difficulty of not being able to do or have something. Everyone has had such moments.
•Do NOT punish. Never physically hit or spank your child, as this only shows a lack of control on your part and gives the message to a child that their feelings are to be “beaten away.” A child should be encouraged to express their feelings in a productive and verbal manner.
•DO reflect feelings. “You are very mad right now.” Be an emotional mirror through your own expression of how the child is feeling. This will help them to learn how to put their own feelings into words, and will make them feel understood.
•Do NOT reward. Never give in to the demands of a child who has just gone through a tantrum. Model for them limits and control by not caving in. Instead, encourage talking about the tantrum once the child has calmed down. Discover together what the tantrum was really all about.
•DO make sure the child and others are safe during a tantrum. If it seems as if the child is in danger of hurting themselves or others, take the child to a calm, quiet and safe space to contain the child’s aggression.
•Do NOT pay attention to a child that seems to be having a tantrum to get attention. If you decide that ignoring the childs’ tantrum feels right, never abandon the child. Stay in the same room with the child, and go about your activity without acknowledging the tantrum.
•DO provide hugs and warm embraces for a child that has gone through a temper tantrum. Children should not be made to feel ashamed for having feelings. They look to you to help them learn how to express their feelings in a safe and contained manner.
•DO be aware of “tantrum triggers”—those situations or locations that seem to cause your children to tantrum. Avoid these trigger situations particularly if your child is tired or hungry!
ADDITIONAL TIPS WHEN DEALING WITH SCHOOL-AGE CHILDREN
•DO require a “time-out” as a time to cool down in a private space.
•Do NOT set a time limit for a “time-out”. Allow older children to feel as if they have some control, as this will help them to regain composure. Say, “Tell me when you are cooled down and under control, then we can talk about it”.
•DO allow the child simple choices. A child who is feeling overwhelmed with decisions will benefit from feeling a small amount of control. Rather than asking, “When do you want to clean your room?”, ask , “Do you want to clean your room now or after dinner?”
•DO remember that as a child develops language skills and other ways of expressing feelings, tantrums and acting-out behavior will decrease.
www.mattcasper.com
www.emotes.com
By: Matt Casper, Mft
About the Author:
For example, a child may become very frustrated when they are asked by his or her parents to choose between having a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or macaroni and cheese for lunch, (he or she often can’t have both… what parent really wants to prepare two different meals?) This loss can also be felt when a child is unable to accomplish something that he or she wishes to achieve. When a child is unable to ride a bike on his or her first attempt, there is a loss of a hoped-for skill, and the loss of a feeling of omnipotence—the belief that “I can do anything” is met with the reality that this is just not always the case.
The period of the “terrible twos” is often characterized by the emergence of temper tantrums. These are the result of a child realizing that they cannot have everything that he or she wants and cannot do anything he or she wants. This is a harsh and painful reality that all children must face. We as adults still struggle with this…”why can’t I have a brand new car…it’s just not fair.” It is important for parents to be understanding and empathic to a child’s “wake up call” to the reality of the limits that the world sets upon us. After all, parents once had to face this realization as well.
When a child acts out through temper tantrums or other means of expressing frustration, it is an understandably frustrating experience for a parent…and maybe a bit embarrassing if this happens on a long airplane ride. However, if a child is to grow through this difficult stage of development in a healthy manner, parents need to meet the child where they are; they need to communicate their empathic understanding of a child’s frustration. A loving hug can do wonders for a child who feels the overwhelming frustration of a limiting world. This embrace models, in a soothing and empathic way, that frustration needs to be controlled and held. An empathic parent sets limits upon their child. If a child’s frustration is not held, (and he or she is given both the peanut butter and jelly sandwich AND macaroni and cheese), then the parent is feeding into the child’s denial of the reality of the world.
Love and limits help a child to feel understood and supported as they wrestle with the loss of the belief that they, the world, and its inhabitants are perfect and limitless. As a child develops, they also begin to realize the scary truth that he or she is separate from their parents. Children realize that their parents aren’t always able to protect them from a frustrating world. Often, the frustration a child feels towards the world is directed toward their parents. Parents can become villains–withholding and frustrating people that won’t give the child everything that he or she wants or needs. This is another painful truth. No parent, even the most highly attuned or attentive one, can be everything at anytime for his or her child…yes, it’s true that no person or parent is perfect.
A child often projects his or her frustration at the world on his or her disappointing imperfect parents…something that can be uncomfortable for a parent to experience. By realizing that this frustration is normal, (and that you once went through it as well), may make it easier to empathically soothe a frustrated child and help the child to develop into an emotionally healthy adult.
PROBLEM: Children experience frustration when they realize that they cannot have or do everything they want.
SOLUTION: Parents need to realize that the experience of frustration is normal, as we have all gone through it. Limits and love are ways to help children understand and cope with their own frustration. You may become the “bad guy” for awhile, as your child projects his frustration and loss upon you—resist personalizing it and reacting to it in an aggressive and defensive manner.
THE DOs AND DON’Ts OF HANDLING TANTRUMS
•DO keep your cool. Kids are very good at sensing your feelings. The more frustrated you feel, the more frustrated your child will become. Take control of the situation, and your child will feel more safe and secure.
•DO be empathic. Try and have some understanding of the difficulty of not being able to do or have something. Everyone has had such moments.
•Do NOT punish. Never physically hit or spank your child, as this only shows a lack of control on your part and gives the message to a child that their feelings are to be “beaten away.” A child should be encouraged to express their feelings in a productive and verbal manner.
•DO reflect feelings. “You are very mad right now.” Be an emotional mirror through your own expression of how the child is feeling. This will help them to learn how to put their own feelings into words, and will make them feel understood.
•Do NOT reward. Never give in to the demands of a child who has just gone through a tantrum. Model for them limits and control by not caving in. Instead, encourage talking about the tantrum once the child has calmed down. Discover together what the tantrum was really all about.
•DO make sure the child and others are safe during a tantrum. If it seems as if the child is in danger of hurting themselves or others, take the child to a calm, quiet and safe space to contain the child’s aggression.
•Do NOT pay attention to a child that seems to be having a tantrum to get attention. If you decide that ignoring the childs’ tantrum feels right, never abandon the child. Stay in the same room with the child, and go about your activity without acknowledging the tantrum.
•DO provide hugs and warm embraces for a child that has gone through a temper tantrum. Children should not be made to feel ashamed for having feelings. They look to you to help them learn how to express their feelings in a safe and contained manner.
•DO be aware of “tantrum triggers”—those situations or locations that seem to cause your children to tantrum. Avoid these trigger situations particularly if your child is tired or hungry!
ADDITIONAL TIPS WHEN DEALING WITH SCHOOL-AGE CHILDREN
•DO require a “time-out” as a time to cool down in a private space.
•Do NOT set a time limit for a “time-out”. Allow older children to feel as if they have some control, as this will help them to regain composure. Say, “Tell me when you are cooled down and under control, then we can talk about it”.
•DO allow the child simple choices. A child who is feeling overwhelmed with decisions will benefit from feeling a small amount of control. Rather than asking, “When do you want to clean your room?”, ask , “Do you want to clean your room now or after dinner?”
•DO remember that as a child develops language skills and other ways of expressing feelings, tantrums and acting-out behavior will decrease.
www.mattcasper.com
www.emotes.com
By: Matt Casper, Mft
About the Author:
Matt Casper, M.A. MFT; Matt is a licensed Psychotherapist with a private practice in Los Angeles, California. He graduated cum laude from Duke University where he studied personality psychology, comparative religion and film. He received his master’s degree in marriage and family therapy from the California Graduate Institute of Professional Psychology and Psychoanalysis and has worked with a diverse population including individual adults, teens and children as well as with groups and couples. Matt has been involved with the Maple Counseling Center, a non-profit counseling clinic, as well as with the Julia-Ann Singer Therapeutic School where he worked with children who fall somewhere on the Autism spectrum, and has served as a supervisor for teenagers at TEEN LINE, a hotline and website that provides teen-to-teen outreach for teenagers facing emotional challenges. Matt is also the author of a series of 12 books in the “Emotes!” series which aims to help children identify, express and manage their emotions.
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